so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
