I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
