i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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