i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I enjoy the company of your penis
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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