Even the bartender felt bad for me
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
