I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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