the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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