btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
