I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
