Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
