I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
