I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
