Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize