Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
