If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
