i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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