youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Houston, we have a squirter
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
