My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize