My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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