he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
