fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
