Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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