Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
