We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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