"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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