Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
