What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
