Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
