My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
