I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize