im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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