I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
