i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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