Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
