his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
