After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
