The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
