Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
