A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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