everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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