I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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