She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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