"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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