I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You may now shotgun with the bride
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
