we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
