At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
