tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
