Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
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