Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Define "chronic" masturbator.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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