He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
