well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
