That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
