just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i've created a new STD.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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