Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
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