Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize