I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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