Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
