You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
