hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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