Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
